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Recently, while attending a dance exchange event, I brought a few concerns regarding safe spaces to the attention of the organizers. Their response left a bad taste in my mouth. After retelling my story four times, to four different people in the span of 15 minutes, I was met with push-back from the organizers when I suggested reviewing some basic dance etiquette with the dancers attending the event. These organizers where uncomfortable talking to their members about these difficult, but important topics.

I am from a scene that takes pride in our actions, not only when handling safe-spaces situations, but also in preventing problems and cultivating an inclusive and safe environment; I was baffled when faced with people who would rather sweep something under the rug than give their dancers the information they need in order to succeed. I am not hear to name names or point fingers; the event has passed, and I have already left some suggestions for them on their feedback form. Instead, this post exists as my contribution to a solution for a problem that exists in every swing dance scene, no matter how small. 

While dealing with this incident I tried to find a basic dance etiquette article appropriate to post to a Facebook group filled with people I had never met. If the organizers weren't comfortable talking to the attendee's, then I would have to do it. I failed to find any article which effectively covered all the topics I was concerned about. So here we are, a few weeks later, and here I am, writing my first ever article about dancing. 

It is our duty as teachers, organizers, and experienced dancers to not only act as models, but also provide clear guidelines for appropriate behavior in order to better help our peers and students succeed, and to build a better, safer, and more fun community for everyone. This is my attempt to give you guidance as you continue to navigate this beautiful world of "social dance". I want you to succeed, I don't want you to be surprised. The following is not at all an exhaustive list, as there are many things I still have yet to learn myself, but it is a start to the "do's and don'ts" on and off the social dance floor.

Finally, before you continue, I would like to remind you to keep an open mind. This advice isn't just for beginners-- everyone could use a nice refresher course now and again. You may be thinking: "this goes without saying", It doesn't; "this doesn't apply to me", it definitely does; "I've never done any of this", trust me, you have. Most people do not intend harm; most people are good people, but just because you do not intent harm, does not make you incapable of it.

Making mistakes does not make you a bad person, but not addressing them makes you an irresponsible one. My hope for you, is that you learn something and that after reading this, you are better equipped to have fun, and be fun to dance with, and that you continue to be aware of your actions and how they can effect others. 

Number one: The (Maybe Not So) Obvious: 

Don't do any of the "obvious" inappropriate things. 

• Touching someone inappropriately 

• Purposefully hurting someone

• Following or stalking someone on or off the dance floor

• Threatening violence, or using guilt to coerce 

• Ignoring a "no" or "leave me alone"

• Saying suggestive things to someone (yes, even as a pick up line, even as a joke.) 

A good rule of thumb: don't do or say anything to a person you met 5 minutes ago that you wouldn't feeling comfortable saying/doing to your grandma. 

Number Two: Use Your Words (And When Not To).

ASK for a dance, with your words.

In addition to using your words, using the right words is also important. Instead of walking up to a group of potential partners and saying " do any of you want to dance with me?" try asking one person at a time, you will have a lot more success, and fewer awkward stares. 

Ask permission before doing a dip, a lift, or an air step. Any of these things can be dangerous if they are not lead properly, or if the follow is tense or unprepared. 
Ask if close embrace is okay. Some people are sweaty, some people are shy, some people just don't want to be that close to you. Ask permission before initiating a close embrace (this is particularly relevant to blues and related styles of dancing). 

When in doubt, ask! If you are unsure if something you are doing/about to do is okay, ask your partner.

As important as asking permission is, it is inevitable that someone will do something without consent.

 If this happens: 

Speak up. Confrontation may be scary, but by informing this person that their behavior is inappropriate, you give them the opportunity to improve.  
Speak up if someone is making you uncomfortable. This will help them to understand, and correct their behavior. 
Speak up if someone physically hurts you during a dance. This is so important. I have had my shoulder sprained too many times by too many people who didn't know that forcing turns is dangerous. If some one is hurting you, tell them. Most of the time people don't want to hurt you, and they will try to alter their behavior. Help inform your partner of their dangerous habits, and help protect their future dance partners. If someone refuses to change their behavior when confronted, speak with other members of your community about it. 
Speak up when someone says or does something inappropriate, even if it was supposed to be a "joke". 

As important as verbal communication is, there are some things you should keep to yourself at a social dance.

This isn't a place to try out your new pick up lines. 

The social dance floor is meant for dancing --  not teaching.
The social dance floor is also an inappropriate place to give unsolicited feed back. The only exception to this is if someone's dancing is causing you or someone else bodily harm. If someone is having trouble leading/following a move, keeping the rhythm, or if you just don't fancy their style of dancing, the social dance floor is not the place to bring it up. 

On the flip side of that, the social dance floor isn't the place to ask for a "quick lesson". Be respectful to your fellow dancers and your instructors, we attend social dances because we want to dance. If we spend several songs giving mini lessons to everyone who asks, we'd never get to dance.

Aside from simply detracting from the social dance experience, teaching on a social dance floor is often unsuccessful. It is simply too loud, the tempos are too varied, and there are too many distractions for any sort of instruction to be helpful. 

Be open to confrontation.

Do not be defensive. Again, we want you to succeed. If someone tells you that you hurt them, that you made them uncomfortable, or that your actions/words are inappropriate, its okay. Listen to them, and learn from it.

Number Three: Respect the "No". 

I feel strongly that this deserves its own section. 
We have talked about consent a lot so far. Something important to note is that "No" can be conveyed in many different ways, and they all carry the same weight, they all need to be respected. 
Silence, means no. 
Uncomfortable laughter, means no. 
I don't know, means no.
Maybe, means no.
Hesitation, means no. 
If your answer is not an enthusiastic, resounding "Yes!", then it is a no. 
It is important to recognize that all of these variants of "no", are equally as valid, and should all be respected. 

Number Four: On Asking For a Dance

Anyone can ask anyone for a dance, there are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. 

Like I mentioned above, use your words! 
Do not simply silently extend your hand. Do not point at them and gesture to dancing. And definitely do not drag them on to the dance floor. 

In addition to using your words (already covered above), there are a few basic guide lines you may consider following. 

• Ask a single person to dance, as opposed to asking a group if "anyone would like to dance". 

• Do NOT interrupt a conversation to ask for a dance.

• It is completely okay to say no to a dance. It doesn't matter what the reason is, you don't even need a reason. 

• It is proper etiquette to not dance with anyone else during a song if you have already declined a dance for that song. 

• Do not ask "why?" if someone tells you they don't want to dance. They do not owe you an explanation.  

Number Five : How to Read Body Langue and Nonverbal Cues. 

This is a tough one, but if you stay aware, nonverbal cues will become more obvious. 

Here is a list of some common cues that you should be looking for, and paying attention to. 

• Resistance or pulling away from a close connection or head-to-head connection

  • This means "I do not want to be this close to you." 

• Avoiding eye contact, uncomfortable expression or not smiling, looking away 

  • Sometimes this doesn't mean anything. A lot of the times this means "I am uncomfortable but I am not confident enough to say anything about it." 

• Being tense in the arms, resistance to turns, letting go during a move, repeatedly not following a move

  • This often means "I am not comfortable doing this move. Stop leading it on me."

• Your partners hand suddenly moving to your back or  hand on back/should connection suddenly becoming stronger 

  • Often means "you are going to run into someone behind you, stop." 

• Shrugging, breaking frame or attempting to adjust the connection 

  • This means "I am not comfortable with this connection". In closed position, you should make sure your hand is not too far down the follows back, or too close to their hip. 

Be aware of these nonverbal cues and body language that show general discomfort in any situation: 

• Pulling away

• Hesitation

• Avoiding eye contact

• Uncomfortable laughter 

• Leaning away or facing away

• Breaking a connection or refusing to follow a move

• Short answers, minimal effort in interaction

There are many many more signals, and I am not an expert, but these are the most obvious ones. Be aware of the way people respond to you and your actions, and you will do fine. 

Number Six: On Live Music and Jam Circles. 

If you're lucky enough to dance to live music, there are a few things to keep in mind. 

Many of these musicians have been working their whole lives to perfect their art. It is their livelihood, and they deserve your utmost respect. When you are dancing to live music, remember that those are real, live people up there. 

Respect and appreciate the musicians that play the music we love to dance to. 

Clap and cheer after every song.
Clap and cheer after every song.
Clap and cheer after every song.
Hoot and holler if you really liked it.

Tip well and respectfully. And not by making it rain dollar bills (true story, re: Lindy Focus 2015). 
If you can't tip, purchase a record, shake their hands, tell them you love their music.
 
Connect.
Pay attention to the musicians, and their music. 
Clap or snap after someone nails their solo.
Engage with them! Smile, wave, nod! 

Get close to the band! They want you on the dance floor. They want to see your smiling faces. They want to know you are enjoying yourself! 

But don't get too close to the band.
If you are dancing on the same floor level as the band, be sure to leave a safe distance between your self and the band members, instruments and equipment. These humans are playing their music for you-- don't put them, or their instruments at risk! 
Do not touch the musicians-- their hair, their clothes, their equipment-- none of it. 

Try your best not to leave your personal items and especially your drinks on stage-- the musicians don't want to have to climb over your stuff, or risk spilling something on their equipment. 

Don't get Clap-happy.
Do not clap or count while the band leader is counting off. "The very specific range of tempos in the swing dance worlds is so small, and any push and pull can really make song end up in the wrong place, and there’s no coming back from that usually." - Jonathan Stout

Pay attention to your clapping when you are clapping for a jam or a contest-- are you clapping on the 2 and 4? Are you speeding up? Slowing down? Even if you are just one person-- the band can hear you, and being off rhythm is distracting. 

You don't need to clap along to the drum solo-- trust me, they've got this. You never know where they are going with the beat, they could speed it up, slow it down, stop it completely and then count the band back in-- there is no use in trying to predict the future!

Don't demand an encore if you and the other dancers don't deserve it. The band has to earn an encore- but so do you and your fellow dancers. If the energy is low all night, if you aren't clapping and cheering for the band after they play a song, if you are a part of an inattentive audience-- do not demand an encore.

Don't distract the band members while they are performing for you.
Do NOT try to have a conversation while they are in the middle of performing for you-- trust me it can't wait until the band break. Musicians need to concentrate on so many things, don't add to their list!

If you are a photographer/videographer, ask permission before getting on stage, and do not stick cameras in musician's faces for "the perfect shot". Respect the musicians and don't distract them with bright flashes. 

Try to keep your kids away from the band members and their expensive, fragile equipment. 

Hoot and holler and cheer and clap-- but do not heckle or harass the band. There is a thin line here, but we all need to practice recognizing boundaries. 

Remember where you are dancing.
Is this a gig where the musicians are being paid to play music for you to dance to? Great! Dance as many songs as you want! Get hype for them! 
Is this a gig where most people around aren't there for dancing? Are the musicians not being paid to play music for you? Remember to respect the music, the people around you, and the venue. Don't dance every song, and remember to tip well! 

Jam circles are a magical place, but there are still some things to keep in mind.
If you are dancing to live music, leave the front of the jam circle open to the band so they can see! 
A jam circle isn't an excuse to stop listening to the band. Pay attention to the music and engage with the musicians.

Listen to and appreciate any soloist.
I know jams are exciting, but don't let all your focus be on the couple in the center, remember the musicians too!
Towards the last phrase or chorus, close the jam circle and move close to cheer and clap for the band! They are playing their hearts out for you, let them know how much you love them. 

 
During a jam, be aware of the people around you.
Wait your turn if you notice someone preparing to go in before you. 
Cheer when someone does something cool. 
Save your aerials and trick steps for jams and only do them if your partner is comfortable with them too, and only if the diameter of the circle is large enough for you to safely execute them without putting any of the spectators in danger.

Number Seven: Pay Attention

This is a social dance.
In many of my classes I've asked the question "What is the number one or number two thing you are thinking about while you are dancing with someone?". From the leaders in nearly every case, I receive answers along the lines of: the music, what my feet are doing, the next move I am going to lead... etc. From follows nearly every time the answer is "what my lead is doing".
Yes, this problem does stem from the traditional "jobs" each role has. As a follower, paying attention to my leader may be considered my number one job, and so when a lead doesn't pay attention to me during a dance, it makes me feel as if I might as well be replaced with a blow up doll. 
Paying attention to your partner is so important in a social dance for both roles.

Pay attention to your partner, you might just learn something new! 
Leaders, make space for your follows to have a voice in the dance. and follows, take up space! The most fun dances I have ever had weren't "perfect" dances. Executing every move that is led, and only those moves, for the entire dance will get quite boring for the both of you. 
Leaders, you can make space by leading open moves-- moves that give the follow a moment of freedom. You can make space by being responsive to your follow, and listening to suggestions made by them. 

Back leading is not a bad word.
Follows, pay attention to you partner, take advantage of the space you are given. When I lead a dance, the most joyous moments are when my follow surprises me with something new, or inspires me by suggesting/back leading a move that fits really well with the music. 

It is important for both partners to be engaged in the dance you are creating together. Be encouraging and supportive. If your partner does something cool, say "that was awesome!" or "nice!" or "that was so fun!". 
Make eye contact. Smile, laugh, engage!
When the dance is over, hug, or high five, and if you had a good time, say so! Everyone likes to hear "That was a lot of fun!" at the end of a dance. Be sure to thank your partner for the dance!

You and your partner are not the only people in the room. 
There will be people dancing all around you, and it is just as important to pay attention to them. 
Look before you send your partner out, look where you are being sent out. 
If it's too crowded for swing outs, don't do any swing outs. 
It's okay to stop momentum quickly if you are bout to run into someone. 
Look out for one another, if you see your partner about to run into someone, stop them. 

No matter how careful you are, collisions will still happen. 
When they do, apologize immediately, even if it wasn't your fault! If everyone looks like they are okay, continue your dance and try not to do it again. 
If you collide with someone and it causes the other couple to stop dancing, you should stop dancing as well to make sure they are okay, and see if they need any help.
If you collide with someone and you are injured, it is okay to ask your partner to stop dancing for the rest of that song, your physical well being is way more important than any one dance! 

Whether you are leading or following, it is important to dance to your partners level. 
For leaders, If you lead a move and it doesn't work out the first time, try it again once, and if it still doesn't work, move on to something else. 
If a follower is struggling with a move, Never try to force them to follow it by being rough or strong with your lead. Perhaps they are not following it for a reason. No matter what, you should never force a move, especially turns; turns are the most dangerous non-air steps for follows; our shoulders are in a very vulnerable position, and the risk of injury when forcing a turn is very high.  
For followers, dancing at your partners level requires work and attention to detail; if your leader is less experienced, there may be a lack of connection, and some leads may be unclear. Focus on your partner and try your best to figure out what they are trying to lead, make sure your pulse is strong to help keep them in time, and don't be afraid to have fun!

Number Eight: Take Care of Yourself
At a social dance, you will be very close to a lot of people. It will be hot, and you will get sweaty. 
Remember to wear deodorant or antiperspirant and to bring extra with you. 
Bring extra shirts with you to a dance if you know you will sweat through the one you are already wearing.
Bring a fan, or a small towel to dry off with. 
Remember to brush your teeth! 

Keep in mind that some people have a sensitivity to cologne, perfumes and other strong fragrances. Consider using these things sparingly, and don't be offended if someone needs to stop dancing because they are feeling ill.

Along with basic hygiene, remember to take care of your body physically. 
If you are going to wear heels, make sure you are comfortable in them. Don't risk twisted ankles for aesthetic! 
Remember to warm up prior to, and stretch after a long night of dancing. 
Don't dance while injured. Know your body. If you are sore ,or recovering from an injury, take care of yourself. I know that not dancing is hard, but dancing while injured is dangerous for you and your partner. 

Do not dance while intoxicated.
I know it sounds like fun to get wasted and go dancing, but there is too much you need to focus on, too much damage you could do if you dance while intoxicated. You will put yourself, your partner, and everyone around you at risk. I have been literally thrown, I mean, lifted off the ground and tossed across the room, by someone who was dancing under the influence.

Number Nine: Some Miscellaneous Advice 
There are a few thing I would like to mention that don't fit under any particular title. 

Don't used hip leads on people you just met.

Hip leads are when you lead a move by putting your hands on your followers hip. Some people don't mind these kinds of leads, but some people aren't going to be comfortable with that kind of contact from someone they met 3 minutes ago, so its better to be safe than sorry.

Don't over use your partner.
Don't rely too much on your partner for support or balance. Counter balance is a necessary part of swing dancing, but using your partner too much can be uncomfortable and dangerous.
Follows, don't lean on your partner too much in closed position, and don't try variations that require a lot of support from your partner if this is your first time dancing with them. 
Leaders, same goes for you, don't pull out a variation that requires your follow to give an extreme amount of counter balance if you've never tried it with them before. 
If you want to try a variation like this, try a milder version of it a few times first, then if your partner gets the idea, it is okay to ask for more support, but be prepared to catch yourself if something goes wrong. 

Try to relax.
People, put those Wolverine claws away, please. 
I almost always leave an event with bruises on my hands and back from someone who is holding on just a little too tight.
I know dancing might seem scary. I know you might be nervous. But please relax your hands, don't dig your nails into your partners' hand, shoulder, or back. Everyone will be a lot more comfortable. 
If you are following, try not to clamp your arm down on your leaders arm/shoulder.
If you are leading, try resting your thumb to the side of your partner's hand, instead of on top of it-- this helps to avoid a lot of unnecessary gripping. 

No social aerials!
No matter how good you think you are at leading them, no matter how good you think you are at flying through the air-- the social dance floor is never the place. You will hurt yourself. You will hurt your partner. You will kick someone in the face. 
Save aerials for competitions and jam circles. Even in these settings, never do an aerial with someone you haven't tried that move with before. 



We are all working hard to better ourselves and our communities.

We all have a lot to learn. 
This article has been my attempt to put together some formal guidelines that I hope, will help you feel better equipped to have fun and be safe on the dance floor.
Updates and amendments to this article can be found below, and will be added as I collect more life experience. 

 

Acknowledgements
 Thank you to Kyle Seymour and Kate Holden and the rest of UD swing for being an encouraging voice, and a fantastic source of advice.
Thank you to all of those who offered a unique view of social dancing from the musicians perspective.
Thank you Sarah Sullivan, and all the other pioneers of the Safe Spaces movement, who have made an article like this one possible. 

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